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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22937248">Brisée</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusjohnblack/pseuds/remusjohnblack'>remusjohnblack</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Gay Remus Lupin, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Werewolf Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:22:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22937248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/remusjohnblack/pseuds/remusjohnblack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Death eater!Remus struggles to face his past after the death of his lover and the end of his freedom.<br/>Prompt 102: Death eater!Remus, low-key questioning his role in the war with another death eater or DE supporter</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Draco Malfoy &amp; Narcissa Black Malfoy, Regulus Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Regulus Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin Fest 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Brisée</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! This is my submission for the Remus Lupin fest.</p><p>I hope you enjoy!</p><p>If you're willing, please leave feedback! I'd love to hear your thoughts :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> Cold.</em> I hugged myself, hoping for warmth. Not enough to warm my chilling heart, but enough to cease the shivering of my naked arms. If this is what life here was… I wouldn’t wish it upon Voldemort himself. A cruel laugh echoed in the hall, but along with it came warmth. I stared at the steel door as it screamed in agony at being opened. A new prisoner. A madman thrown into my cell.</p><p>Wonderful. I could only imagine ripping the man apart come the full moon, tearing through his flesh, sinking fangs into his still heart. He needed to escape. I needed to escape. It had only been hours since I was beaten up, dragged,<em> shamed</em> into this rotting room of steel, the coldness withering my skin, the isolation plaguing my mind, but a couple of hours are enough to drive any man in Azkaban insane. Yet, even with the need to be set free came the seething guilt that I, maybe, most definitely, deserved to rot.</p><p>“You’re a load of scumbags!” my cellmate screamed, his voice hoarse but strikingly familiar. Still, even as he raised himself off the floor with shaky arms, even as the glinting eyes seemed to torment me despite their gaze at the small window in the door, even as his was the face of a lover, a best friend, I refused to believe it. “I swear on the cruelty of my mother, I will throw you in here instead! You accuse me of -”</p><p>The guards who dragged him in here stared through the window, their patroni shielding them from the starving dementors. One of them, a red-headed, bearded man whose patronus appeared to be a hare, laughed. “Buddy, survive one month with this…,<em> thing</em>, and I’ll accompany you out myself.”</p><p>I couldn’t find it in me to fight back, to respond, to argue.<em> I’m not a thing!</em> Truth is, I was a being far worse. Not only a traitor but a monster as well. The guards laughed as they walked away, leaving the Madman to turn to face me. Just as I used to read his face better than anyone, it seemed I still could, even as I denied even ever meeting him. His firm lips were set in a sneer, eyebrows knitted in fury as his face twisted almost comically, yet his eyes - his eyes betrayed him. His eyes seemed to scream, yearning to be loved, but I did not dare move from my corner.</p><p>“Lupin?” he asked, disgust masking the vulnerability leaking in his tone, or maybe I was hearing what I was looking for. Hours reliving my worst nightmares can do that to a person.</p><p>“You have me mistaken for someone else,” I said. It was a lie, that much was obvious to the two of us, and yet, it allowed me to continue denying who he was and more distinctly, who he was to me.</p><p>“You… How dare you!” And that was the first sign of anger. He trembled, baring his teeth, his body moving so suddenly that in a fraction of a second, he had me pinned against the wall with his hand tightening around my throat.</p><p>Sirius Black was out for blood.</p><p>“I missed this,” I spluttered out through gasps of air, a dry laugh unable to leave my throat. Hearing my words, his fingers tightened around my throat, but I didn’t fight back. Even if I wanted to, I began to grow dizzy, gasping and unable to breathe. Finally, darkness.</p><p>…</p><p>The darkness didn’t last.</p><p>
  <em> I was in the Black manor with Narcissa and Draco, staring at the clock anxiously. It had been five hours since Regulus had left to do Merlin knows what. The clock was inching to 2 a.m, Draco had woken up twice now, and Narcissa and I were taking turns tending to him, seeing as his father was currently MIA. It was easy to assume he was with the Dark Lord, and despite knowing what I am, Narcissa seemed more at ease coming to me for help with the babe than his. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I hope she can escape this cursed marriage someday, raise her beautiful son in a cottage somewhere. Her, Regulus, Draco and me. It was a dream, but these three had become my family, had reassured me when no one else did. Now, I hoped to Merlin that the dream wouldn’t come true if it’s at the price of my lover.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Cissa?” I asked because my thoughts had become bloodcurdling, something of nightmares. The thought of losing him… I couldn’t imagine the pain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He’ll be fine,” she whispered, almost as if she could hear my thoughts. But she was frightened too, I knew. She was out of her wits terrified. Still, she remained stronger than me, humming at her son who was falling asleep once again.</em>
</p><p>“Lucius named Severus godfather,” she said once Draco fell asleep. I knew that, of course, so why was she saying that again? “But I want you to be godfather, too, and Regulus. Merlin knows I trust you two far more than them.”</p><p>
  <em>“Cissa, you can’t possibly be asking me to-”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know what you are,” she cut me off, a fierce, crazy look in her eyes. “I know what you are and I don’t care. You are the most compassionate, loving, and courageous person I know, and I want my son to grow up with a decent role model. For fuck’s sake, Remus, please.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I couldn’t say no. Narcissa was the sister I wished I grew up with; she was fierce, strong, protective, and so, so supportive. She could read me almost better than Regulus could, knew exactly what to say to me during a crisis, made me the exact soup I needed after a full moon. She hadn’t turned into an animagus for me, but truthfully, if I asked her to, I was absolutely sure she wouldn’t say no. Her only question would be, “Can Regulus look after Draco during full moons, then?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The answer would absolutely be yes.</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>I gasped, feeling the air go through my throat. His hands were no longer strangling me, his face nowhere near mine as he stared from the opposing corner with relentlessly cold, shadowy grey eyes. I knew I was looking at him, at the ugliest parts of what he’d shown me, but in those eyes, I saw a mirror. A mirror, and visible to no one but me, the ashes of what remained of my heart.</p><p>“Why did you do it?” he asked, and I almost preferred his anger because the quietness, the disappointment and disgrace sent stabs of pain through me, but I couldn’t answer. Partially, since my throat had swollen and any sound that escaped me was no louder than a mosquito buzz, but more importantly because I had no answer.</p><p>“You know what?” he asked when I didn’t reply. I could already see the anger boiling in him again. “Don’t fucking answer! Because if I hear one word come out of your Merlin damned pretty lips, I will fucking kill you!”</p><p>That’s when the quiet set in, but it didn’t stay that way for too long. Through the door window, a dementor approached, and I backed away into the corner. No, no, no. Fuck, please, not again. Sirius, unaware, turned and noticed it, his eyes widening as he tried to get as far as he could and still keep a reasonable distance between us. I sighed, knowing exactly what comes next as I covered my face with my arms.</p><p>The emptiness, the fear, the cold… the memories.</p><p>
  <em>“He’s dead, Cissa! I can feel it in my bones!” I cried out. The clock had struck four in the morning, and Regulus had still not arrived. Narcissa didn’t deny it; she stared at Draco’s crib, wondering if the noise would wake him up. I hoped not. If it did, I was in for a hearing. “Narcissa! Tell me! Is he dead? He has to be! Why else wouldn’t he send a message?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Taking a deep breath, Narcissa turned her head to face me. She was only a meter away, but she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around me. “I really don’t know,” she said, “but it’s Regulus. He’s one of the strongest men I know, darling. I’m sure whatever it is, he can pull through.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was only saying it to make me feel better, but I welcomed the words and let them embrace me, comfort me for the time being. When the time should come, I will deal with it then. For now, Regulus was alive and breathing, strong and resilient. Almost as if my thoughts had willed him in any way, Kreacher appeared, but instead of the sour look I was expecting, sobs had taken over his body and despair over his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kreacher, what’s wrong?” Narcissa asked, crouching to be at eye level with him. I opted to watch from behind; despite Regulus’ odd attachment to the house-elf, the stories Sirius had told me buzzed in my mind as though I was told of them yesterday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, Missus,” he cried, shaking his head violently. “Kreacher cannot say, Missus!” He wailed, hitting his head on the dresser… Was it sympathy I felt for him? I couldn’t tell, but dread squeezed out all other emotions as it poured down my heart. What, if not something disastrous, would make the otherwise grumpy Kreacher so broken? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Cissa… What if it’s Reg?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I realized, from her lack of reaction, she’d been thinking the same thing. She urged and urged Kreacher to talk, but he only wailed and cried and sobbed, hitting himself with whatever he could find over and over again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Kreacher,” I finally said, walking closer to him. “I loved Regulus very much. You know that, right?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His eyes narrowed, but he nodded, sniffling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“And I’m prepared to die for him?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So if he’s in trouble, I will help him.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kreacher started weeping once again, shaking his head as he repeatedly uttered, “no.” My wide eyes met Narcissa’s, whose attention was suddenly stolen by Draco. He’d let out a loud cry, prompting her to pick him up and cradle him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Remus, I’m going to go see if Lucius came home. Maybe he knows something.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With that, she settled Draco on her hip, kissed my cheek goodbye, and left. I admit it wasn’t her finest hour, but Merlin if she didn’t deserve a break. With a deep breath, I turned to Kreacher again, the unanswered question boiling in my very veins.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Is Regulus dead?”</em>
</p><p>A wretched sob left my lips as I covered my mouth with my hand, stifling my cries. He left me alone, alone,<em> alone</em>. He left me, and he’s gone, dead! And I have yet to find out what happened.</p><p>“Fuck, Remus, I’m mad at you,” Sirius said, but I didn’t listen. I wasn’t listening. All I could do was count to ten, again and again, hoping to avoid another breakdown. I focused on Regulus’ voice in my head.</p><p>
  <em>You’re okay, my love. I’m right here with you.</em>
</p><p><em>But you aren’t!</em> I wanted to scream, but my throat had been rendered useless by Sirius. The dementor had gone away, but I had no doubt that it would soon return to torment me. Sirius must’ve been unable to withstand my cries, I told myself it was because I was too annoying, but as I yearned for him, he did for me. It was an inevitable connection, for two people who had sacrificed the world for one another, gave it all up, to find each other again.</p><p>Padfoot cuddled me, a mechanism to deny Sirius’ need to cuddle me too, I’m sure. It was better that way, though. I was not ready to move on, and I’ve yet to know what’s become of my lover.</p><p>“I miss him,” I croaked, pushing my face into Padfoot’s fur. “I miss him so much.”</p><p>He licked my face in reply, but as I lay on the floor in a fetal position, my arms wrapped around Padfooot and grief-stricken cries escaping my mouth. I couldn’t breathe. I needed air. I needed to breathe! My hands wrapped around my throat; I was gasping for breath. Padfoot was quick to turn back into Sirius. “Come on, Remus, inhale. Like this, come on…”</p><p>His voice faded as darkness took over me for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. Fortunately, my sleep, or lack of consciousness, wasn’t interrupted by nightmares this time. Recurring nightmares, my healer said. Trauma… Even as I mocked her words, I knew them to be true.</p><p>There was no light to greet me in the morning. The window on the door mocked me, showing only darkness and emptiness. It was a mirror to my soul, really. The gradual blackening began when I was just a child, at four years old. It accelerated at every full moon… but when I’d finally found my family at Hogwarts, all my soul seemed to do was grow flowers and trees, reflect sunshine and brightness. There were bad days, but no more days alone.</p><p>“You said you missed him,” Sirius said, not looking at me, but the bitterness in his tone couldn’t be denied. “Found someone else, have you?”</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s beard, Regulus, I fucking told you it was a bad idea. I should never have let you leave.</em>
</p><p>“You don’t have the right to say that. Fucking hell, Sirius, you left me.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I didn’t think you’d be so quick to betray us, your <em>family</em>.”</p><p><em>You betrayed me first,</em> I wanted to say. Fuck, I wanted to punch him for tearing me apart the way he did. I had to endure months going undercover, I had to live like a monster… They fed me an innocent child they’d just killed, and I pulled through. For Sirius and Peter, for James, for Lily and for fuck’s sake, for the baby they were bringing into this world. And he dared sit across the room, saying I betrayed them.</p><p>“Better not reply, anyways,” he scoffed. “Might end up blacked out again.”</p><p>“You know,” I said, my voice quiet, far away, “you have his eyes… and his lips.”</p><p>“What the fuck are you talking about?”</p><p>“You were wrong about him. He’s a good person, a great person. He was a great person, one of the sweetest, most intelligent and caring people I’ve ever met. He deserved to be given a chance.”</p><p>
  <em>Kreacher, crying, crying, crying, as I stood there trying to coax the story out of him. Where was Regulus? What happened? Was he alive? I fucking told him it was a bad idea - if he’d just listened to me, run away with me!</em>
</p><p>“Who are you talking about, Lupin?” Sirius sneered, and I knew then, he’d found out. I knew he would; all their lives, they’ve been told they almost looked like twins. Now, his ex-lover was comparing them. I stayed quiet, hoping my silence would answer his question. I was pretty sure it did because not a second later, he’d punched the wall.</p><p>“You’ll break your hand,” I said. “No one here is going to treat it for you.”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Lupin! Did you fucking fuck my brother to get back at me? Huh? Was that your oh so mighty plan? I’m fucking <em>sorry</em> for doubting you, is that what you want to hear? Because James and Lily are fucking dead and Peter - Merlin, I can’t even say his name without wanting to murder him! He betrayed them! They’re gone… and you’re telling me, you decided you’d be better off with my fucking death eater brother?”</p><p>I couldn't look at him. The news of James and Lily's death was a shock, for sure, and I felt terrible because - well, because my first thought wasn't of their child… It wasn't of why Sirius was sent to Azkaban either. It was guilt. To hear his voice go from unfathomably angry to cracking, being reduced almost to sobs, it pained me far more than I could let on.</p><p>"Their child, Harry?" I asked, avoiding the subject of Regulus altogether. The image of him, a soft smile on his lips after he kissed me for the first time. I'd never seen him so radiant before… And if I was going to talk about him, Sirius and I for sure would end up fighting again.</p><p>"Alive, but he was fucking sent to Lily's sister's. Dumbledore wouldn't even hear me out."</p><p>Harry, sent to Lily’s sister? She didn’t attend Lily and James’ wedding, did she? Lily always hoped they’d rekindle their friendship, but she was overcome with envy, wasn’t she? Something was wrong… very wrong. Harry was supposed to grow up in a loving home, with his parents and godfather, maybe even a little sister. Lily’s always wanted to name her daughter Yasmine, carry on her late mother’s tradition, but mix it up with an exotic name as well. No, no, no. This was not the way things were supposed to happen.</p><p>
  <em>“I love you, Remus John Lupin. You’ve saved me.”</em>
</p><p>No, none of this was supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to fucking die on me, was he?</p><p>
  <em>“I love you too, Regulus Arcturus Black. You’ve given me everything I need to survive, to live.”</em>
</p><p>“I don’t regret it,” I finally said, biting my lip in an effort not to break down. I don’t - I can’t regret it. To love someone as deeply as I loved Regulus means far more than chasing around Sirius who’d made his mind up about me. He loved me, accepted me, strengthened me, but when I needed him to trust me, trust the man he knew, all he saw was a beast. A monster. Regulus saw a man in need of saving. “You had already decided I was the traitor, Sirius. It’s true, I didn’t agree with the blood purity propaganda, but he’d promised werewolf rights, and frankly, I needed to belong. I <em>deserved</em> to belong, and you, my fucking fiancé, threw me on the streets.”</p><p>He didn’t reply. Of course, he wouldn’t reply because all he’s ever relied on is blaming others, over and over again, and I let him blame me for the incident in fifth year, but not anymore. I won’t let him blame me for moving on, for putting myself first, for once.</p><p>“You won’t guilt me into forgiving you, Lupin,” he said, “if that’s what you were hoping to achieve.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, neither will you. We’re not friends, nor will we fucking be.”</p><p>
  <em>“We’re not friends,” I said harshly, pushing him away as I covered my naked body with the blanket. “In fact, I don’t even know why you’re showing some sort of care. You’re a death eater, shouldn’t you be killing me?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A dry laugh left my throat as I rubbed the fresh scars on my arms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re a werewolf.” Regulus’ eyes observed me carefully, but I couldn’t meet them with my own. The slightest mention of my… condition left me vulnerable, ashamed, unable to come to terms with the fact.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What do you want, Black?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can’t hurt a fly if that’s what Sirius was thinking. I’m here to clean up his mess. Now, come on, I have some clothes you can wear, and we’re taking you to a healer to get those wounds checked.”</em>
</p><p>Kindness from a stranger. I think that was the final straw where I went, no Remus, let go of your bias. Sirius Black is a bastard, his brother was not. Sirius Black had no understanding of trust, of family, when it came to anyone but James. Regulus, on the other hand, was so tightly knit with his family, it was insane.</p><p>
  <em>"Hey, Reg's boyfriend," Narcissa said, a few months after she'd given birth to Draco. "I assume I can trust a werewolf who fucking folds socks and irons sweaters to look after my son?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Uh… Narcissa? Um, hi, I'm Remus."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, I know. You're New Kid, Reg's boyfriend. You can look after my son, then?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't know me," I said, eyes widened incredulously. "How in the name of Merlin are you trusting me with your son?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Easy. I trust Reg with my life and Draco's. He trusts you. Now, I'm taking that as a yes. You're on babysitting duty, New Kid."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was the first time I babysat, but definitely not the last. After a successful night with making faces at baby Draco, changing nappies and rocking him to sleep, Narcissa was convinced I was the baby god.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't understand, he's never an angel child. More like a demon."</em>
</p><p>"Was," Sirius said, taking me away from my thoughts.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"You said 'is', but then you corrected yourself. Was."</p><p>"Okay,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say. Was. Was. Was.</p><p>
  <em>"Remus!" Narcissa exclaimed, flooing into the house urgently. Draco was in her arms, her hair was messy for the first time in what seemed like ages, and her eyes were red.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Cissa! What's wrong?" The urgency in his voice couldn't be mistaken. He took Draco from her shaking hands, propping him up with one hand and placing the other on her shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"My piece of shit husband told You-Know-Who that Reg's been missing. The order said not to go looking for him anymore… He’s a traitor.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What? H-He… He’d tell me.” I heard my voice break. I was so sure that Regulus would confide in me, trust me. I trusted him when I told him this was a bad idea. ‘I don’t want to be part of something that aims to kill my friends,’ I said. He hugged me, kissed me, said it would be okay. ‘They betrayed you, remember?’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Listen,” she snapped, a frenzied look on her face, “I’ll try looking into it. You do, too, but be fucking careful Lupin. They’re watching us.”</em>
</p><p>“What happened, Lupin?” Despite using my last name, a sign of hostility when it came to Sirius, his voice was soft… almost scared.</p><p>“It’s not fucking fair. Snape is still alive. He betrayed You-Know-Fucking-Who. He’s an asshole. He demanded to save Lily if only to have her husband and son dead. But Regulus is the one who fucking gets it.” I couldn’t control the words coming out of my mouth anymore. All I could think about was anger. I hadn’t had the chance to mourn my loss, but fuck, if I wasn’t about to hit my head against the wall.</p><p>“He betrayed Voldemort?” Sirius whispered, but I closed my eyes. I can’t - I can’t talk about this, for fuck’s sake. He can’t be gone.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m never leaving you, okay? Never.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can’t promise something like that. No one can.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I can. I did.” And he kissed me, and it was slow. It was soft and gentle, a perfect kiss. I’d dreamt of it my entire life, sitting with someone like I was sitting with him, his hands cupping my face gently, as he pushed me gently on the bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Reg?” I didn’t mean for my voice to sound as breathy as it did, but he pulled away regardless, looking for any sign of reluctance.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We don’t have to do this, love,” he said. I smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him. No, we didn’t.</em>
</p><p>‘He didn’t betray Voldemort,’ I wanted to say. ‘He betrayed me. He promised he wouldn’t leave.’ But I couldn’t say that, could I? Instead, I sighed.</p><p>“He was the bravest man I’ve ever known… At eighteen, risking everything to do what’s right. None of us did that.”</p><p>Sirius must have said something, but I didn’t bother to hear. With exhaustion approaching, I curled up in my corner, hoping to god knows what that this nightmare will end.</p><p>…</p><p>“Remus, wake the fuck up,” Sirius hissed. I rolled over, my eyes burning. I couldn’t tell the time, but I could tell, from years of experience, that the aching of my bones was not due to sleeping on the floor. The full moon was in a few days, if not tonight, I expect.</p><p>“What?” I snapped, keeping my eyes closed, hoping I could sleep for just a few more hours.</p><p>“Sir? Dobby has never met the Remus Lupin, sir,” a house-elf said, making me yell in surprise. Where the absolute fuck did he come from?</p><p>“Who are you?”</p><p>“Dobby, sir. Dobby the house-elf. Missus Malfoy told Dobby to come.”</p><p>“What?” Sirius asked, at the same time that I jumped from my place, exclaiming, “Cissa?”</p><p>“Missus Malfoy sent Dobby to give you this, sir.”</p><p>With a snap of his fingers, a tray of food, including my favourite chocolate - bless you, Cissa - appeared out of thin air. He placed it on the ground, in front of me, and I then noticed a small, folded note.</p><p>“You won’t tell anyone about this, will you, Dobby?” I asked. I didn’t want Narcissa to get in trouble, not for my sake and well-being.</p><p>“No sir, Missus forbade it.”</p><p>“Thank you, please give her endless thanks from me. Tell her I miss her and my godson.”</p><p>“Dobby will, sir. Missus said to be back to clean up when Remus Lupin is done.”</p><p>Having achieved his goal, Dobby the Malfoy house-elf apparated away, leaving me with the food and the note. “Do you want some?” I asked Sirius, taking my chocolate and the note.</p><p>
  <em>Dear New Kid,</em><br/>
<em>I am honestly so sorry I couldn’t do anything. Lucius refused to get over his fucking prejudice and get you out of there. But I promise, I’m owling Andy - she’s got an in to the ministry. Bless her. She’s got a daughter, 9 years old, bet you’d be great with her. Anyways, if she figures something out, you absolutely owe her babysitting hours, agreed? I’m just messing with you, but you knew that, didn’t you?</em><br/>
<em>Please stay strong. Draco and I send you lots of love and care. You’re going to be okay, alright? I’m trying to get you a trial; maybe if you claim you were imperiused… even if by Regulus? You can say you were under the influence of a love potion. I know you love him, and it will torture you, but this is not what he would’ve wanted.</em><br/>
<em>Think about it.</em><br/>
<em>Until then, I’m going to try and get you some wolfsbane under Lucius’ nose. I know the guilt of possibly injuring your cellmate (who, to be fair, might Actually deserve to rot) will kill you before the dementors do.</em><br/>
<em>I love you, Remus. Draco does too. He sends kisses.</em><br/>
<em>N.</em>
</p><p>I stared at the note, no longer interested in my chocolate. Sirius, who’d enjoyed the delight of luxurious food, seemed to notice the change in my mood. We weren’t friends, we would never be, so he didn’t ask me what was wrong. No, he didn’t… Instead, he stared intensely, eyebrows furrowed and biting his lip, studying me. Years ago, I would have blushed, smiled, even giggled, and he’d have kissed me.</p><p>This was not years ago, so I did none. I looked away, unwrapping the muggle chocolate, <em>Marathon Bar</em>, and eating it for comfort. Not much it could do, truthfully, but it was better than staring back at Sirius, acknowledging the tension between us. It was better left ignored.</p><p>A sudden cold embraced the room, an ice-cold chill taking over my body. The dementors were back. <em>Think happy thoughts,</em> I told myself, over and over again. <em>Regulus, with his bright grey eyes, his lips quirked in the most ridiculously attractive devious smirk before they’d end up in a wide smile, black hair curled all over his head, ending just above the skin between his shoulder blades.</em> For fuck’s sake, thinking of him didn’t help.</p><p>All that came to mind, with the dementor sucking the joy out of the room by the door, was his seething anger when he’d found out about the prophecy.</p><p>
  <em>“Talk to me,” I practically begged him, sitting on the bed as he paced around the room, not even sparing me a glance. His face was pointed to the ground, intelligible words leaving his lips. “Reg, please.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It took an entire minute - I counted - until he decided on a response. “Your old friends, the Potters, are in danger. Fucking Snape. He couldn’t tell me about the prophecy, no, he had to prove himself. Go to the highest boss.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Snape answers to you?” I asked because I couldn’t catch anything else from what he was saying. For once since the moment we met, I was seeing a bitter, furious Regulus.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, almost everyone does, Remus! You know that! Let me think, for fuck’s sake.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I did, in fact, not know that. He never shared death eater business, but if he was so high up the food chain, it’s no wonder he pushed it aside. Being that close to Voldemort, closer than possibly mental Bellatrix, must have put a lot of weight on his shoulders. My company was an escape, I realized. He needed me, just as much as I needed him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Maybe we should tell Dumbledore? I don’t know the prophecy but if James a-”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t worry, Snape’s going to,” he cut me off. “No need to give the Dark Lord a reason to be suspicious.”</em>
</p><p>The conflict had been resolved, or at least, partially, with Regulus trying to find a mole. Even he, who was almost second in command, couldn’t find out though. Yet, every time I had feared upsetting Regulus, every time I had worried I angered him, every time I had wondered if I was a disappointment, the disgusted, murderous tone he’d used then would come to mind. Still, I knew it was one he would never use on me, and that was as true as it was going to get. He never did use it on me, not even as he marched to his death.</p><p>END.</p>
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